My heart would beat. Knocking in my chest as it sent a rush to my brain. It was exciting to see the blood seep from the cut on my upper thigh. I'm not sure exactly why but it gave me a sense of relief, and no one could stop me from doing it. I felt scared at first but it didn't really hurt like I thought it would. I can't remember what intrigued me about slicing little slits in my skin, but I felt powerful when I did it.  
  I would cut little slits across my upper thigh one after another with a tiny square blade. I found it in my parents garage and kept it hidden on a shelf. I didn't dare want to get caught. I chose my upper thigh so I could keep the wounds covered. There were a couple times I tried my arm, but it was too risky so I moved to my legs where I was sure to keep it a secret. When cutting, I didn't go real deep, just deep enough to draw blood. At 13 years old, I was already doing hard drugs and figured why not? It was a little thrill and it made me feel SOMETHING...It made me feel alive when I felt dead inside.
  Some people think that teens cut for attention but that was not my intention at all. I did it out of the need to feel something. Somewhere along the way I had become numb. Maybe it was the sexual abuse. I had abandonment issues and being raped almost every day for 2 years just pushed me to a breaking point. I'm not sure exactly when I "checked out" but I separated myself from the pain inside me. I went through the motions of life but don't recall actually being present in my mind for anything. My body would function and I said all the right stuff but inside I felt absent. Cutting seemed to help me connect with the present and stand up to pain. I felt stronger when I did it although knew I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the pain I really had lurking below the surface of my skin. Being able to handle physical pain made me feel better nonetheless.
  Thinking back, I can remember a compulsive feeling. A tugging that pulled at me to do it more and more...to push farther that the last time. I had thoughts of suicide during that time, but this wasn't the purpose of cutting. Cutting made me feel in control of my life. I knew that at any moment I could just end it all. That made me feel like I had a control over what happened to me for the first time. I could decide whether I wanted to be hurt or not. Whether I would endure pain or not. And that was something I had never felt before. I had always been subject to the pain that life served me. I was forced to eat it whether I liked it or not. I wanted my mom but life took her away. I wanted love and life served me abuse. I wanted to live a different life than the one I had been given but life said no. So, I took control in the way I knew how.
  I have avoided facing this subject my whole life. I never wanted anyone to know what I had done. I didn't want to appear crazy or weird. The last thing I needed was another reason to be rejected. I didn't want people to be concerned about me having mental issues or to treat me like I was a fragile minded person. I was hurting but I never wanted people to see just how much it affected me. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be smart and pretty too, but something like this isn't pretty at all. I desperately needed help but I didn't know how to ask. I felt like if anyone ever found out, I would be looked at as mental patient. In my mind I played out the whole scenario: I would reveal the secret that I was cutting my own flesh, it would cause drama in the family, and I would be labeled as a troubled teen. They wouldn't look at this in the sense that I was a kid that needed love but they would treat me as if something was wrong with me.
  Well, I'm 29 now and just now revealing the secret to the world so I don't know what would have actually happened if I did get found out. A lot of parents wouldn't know what to do if they did find their kid cutting. I got grounded for burning myself with a lighter once. My adoptive mother didn't know what to do so she just did the best she could by forbidding me to ever do it again. She thought grounding me would let me know it was stupid and wrong but as a self-destructive teen, I already knew it was wrong. I needed her. Her time, her love, her patience, I needed her to ask me why I wanted to cause myself pain.
  I probably wouldn't have had an answer. I would have said " I don't know". But, if she would've kept digging, maybe I would have told her about being sexually abused. Maybe I would have opened up and trusted her to help me face the trauma I had been exposed to. I wanted to run from the pain but if somebody would have taken the time to dig deeper into the self- destruction, it would have helped me in ways I can only imagine. 
  I don't blame my adoptive mother for not digging. She did the best she could do for me at that time and if you're a parent you understand how challenging it can be. The reason I write this is because know is that my story has a purpose. My life matters and now I write my secrets out for those that are suffering. I write for the parents whose children are cutting. I write to let you know that there's hope. You are not alone.  YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! You are not a bad parent. YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS! 
  I stopped cutting at 15 or 16 years old when I lost the blade and didn't put in the effort to find another one. When I moved in with my boyfriend some time later, I knew that cutting wasn't an option unless I wanted to be held under the microscope of someone who couldn't possibly understand how I could do such a thing. So, I stopped for good and pretended like it never happened. At 22 years old I was rescued by Jesus out of a life of destruction. He now is putting my brokenness back together piece by piece. I no longer have any thoughts of cutting and I've come to experience Jesus as my healer. I am no longer numb but neither am I afraid of emotional pain. With God I have been able to look at all the issues in my life and face them with boldness. I have been healed of many traumas and I know there's more healing to come. I am past the point of trying to look like I have it all together and I can see that transparency is where freedom lies. The things that I have kept locked-up and secret could be the key to unlocking the prison door for someone else, so I have committed my life to using my pain for a purpose. I am living my best life and I am no longer afraid of my past. I truly can say that because of God's healing, I am free. What the devil thought he could destroy, God has caused to become beautiful.   
  

This is a letter to the younger me. Everyone has things that they wished they could have told their younger selves, well these are mine...

Dear Sweet Child,
   I want to write you to tell you a few things that will help you along the way on your journey. It might be hard for you to understand but please try. For me, for us. I'll start by saying that you have many heartaches ahead of you. They are shockingly hard at first, but I want you to know that pain is the reason you become the strong woman you grow up to be. The scars, they give you character, and they give you wisdom for later. SPOILER ALERT!!!!! God actually comes in like a superhero and heals them all...one by one. Heals the loss, heals the betrayal, heals the rejection. You make it boo! You make it....but not without God. 
  I remember all the disappointments you've experienced and I want you to believe me when I write this: What looks like an inconvenience or a disappointment is actually God setting you up for a blessing. Good things have to end to be able to receive the NEXT BEST THING! Good things have to turn sour so that you will move on and get to where your blessing is. You are too loyal to temporary seasons. I encourage you to embrace change, don't be afraid of losing people. The more you hang on, the harder you make it for yourself. Seasons change, people change, and honey YOU CHANGE! Life calls for change, and it's a great thing so just let go. Every time something doesn't go your way, God is re-routing you life to go the way He planned. 
  God is going to take care of all your needs. Yes, you are a hard worker, but I'm telling you right now that working 15 hours a day doesn't make you a better you. You are not your work. You are more than someone else's employee. You are more than an entrepreneur. What you do is different than who you are. God sees what you do but more than that, He loves who you are. He made you to be a leader but He wants to see you smile more than he wants to see you work. He made you able to get money, but He wants to be your provider. So let Him. Let Him show off just how much He loves you. How He will bless you just because you are His child and He is your Father. You need not to stress about finances. Can I say it again!!!!!! You need not to stress about your finances! Dare to believe that!
  I've left the most important topic for last. The topic of what people think of you. My sweet child...… So much effort and energy has been put into trying to be a better you. Trying to show that you are worthy of love and care. Trying to be "good enough" for people. Well let me tell you !!! People want the REAL YOU... they want Andrea. They are not looking for some girl that can do everything that guys can do. They aren't looking for someone that can be happy all the time. They aren't expecting you to be perfect. They just want the raw version. The unedited self. The imperfect, clumsy, sensitive, outspoken, authentic YOU. I hate to break it to you but all the work that goes into trying to be perfect doesn't pay off. It does you no good. People still walk away. They still get mad at your attempt to make the best decisions, and most of the time, people don't care anymore about you then they would have if you would've just been yourself. And that's okay! The people that are supposed to love you, they love you so much. They love the way you laugh, they love the way you sing and they love the fact that when you mess up, you get back up and try again.
  Oh, and side note : You can dance and people won't laugh. So don't wait to dance your heart out....Sweet Child, don't wait to be free. Be you. Unashamed. Unafraid. Perfectly imperfect.

                                                                                                            Love,
                                                                                                               ME 
  
   
  
  

  She figured that no one cared anyway...
What did it matter ? She tried so hard to win their approval. To feel worthy of some quality time, or some affection. But it wasn't ever enough. Frankly,  all work and no play made Andi a dull girl...so she found a way to feel good...a way to escape the pain of rejection, a way to feel like her choices had some gratifying results...she took control... and rebelled. 
   As a kid her favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. She would watch it over a billion times, wishing she was the one exploring the seas outside of the set limits. Her reality stayed within the boundaries of her parents orders. She sat down like a good little girl, and used her manners. She always excelled in school, secretly feeding off of the gratifying moments of acceptance by her teachers. She patiently waited for the A+ report cards to come in and to see her parents welcome her good grades. The truth is that she did what kids do, and made kid mistakes but,  inside her own conscience, she felt like she gave her best. She worked hard to put on a good performance. Do good, be good, act good and then you receive good. At least that's what her mind told her. The way that you get accepted by people is to be the best you....
  You see, there was a problem though...she was a human being...she made mistakes...How could she get approved of if she was always making mistakes? Try harder ? So, she did. Tried to be better, to talk quieter, to be happier, to be more grateful. Pushed for approval harder than ever! 
  As an adopted child, there was an invisible barrier between her and her new Mom. The lady had her own kids and naturally a deeper bond with them. As a child you don't understand the depth of a bond between a mother and a child. All you know is that you want a certain type of bond with a mom. When you don't have it...it does something on the inside. It eats at you, constantly reminding you that you are not theirs. That you don't fit in. It makes you think that there's got to be something that you can do to fix what doesn't seem right...So, this little girl went searching. Searching for an answer that didn't exist. You cannot magically create a mother-daughter bond. You just can't....it has to happen naturally. Being a human being means that we have the intense ability to feel a connection with people.  When you don't feel it, you are very much aware of the difference. But she was determined to change it so she continued to perform well. The problem with being adopted is that you have rejection issues that cause your mind to perceive things in a very painful way. It's like someone gives you a pair of glasses that makes you see everything as rejection. So, no matter what you do, you always feel not good enough, not accepted and rejected. Perfectionism sets in and it's never satisfied so you, do more and more to get accepted, only to receive a classic "good job". This is so average and you've tried so hard that you once again feel not good enough. The cycle continues....
  Andi lived her life this way ….round and round this merry-go-round of insanity. At 13, after her adopted father passed away, she began to wonder if it was all worth it. Her father had been sexually abusing her for 2 years and he was dead. She felt alone. She harbored a shameful secret that not even her best friend knew. The family was taking their father's death hard, and even the small bond that she once had with her adopted-mom seemed non-existent. Proving to be a "good kid" wasn't resulting in smiles anymore and so she gave up. She gave into the desire for acceptance. She had heard plenty about the kids that were smoking weed and decided that she'd try it on her own...she decided that she would make her first "big" decision on her own. She searched out the kid that she knew would be able to supply, and she asked for her own personal "try out" sample kit. At 5' o clock the next morning, she sat alone in the backyard with a pipe and a lighter in her hand.
  Rebellion welcomed her with open arms and she escaped the thoughts of caring about what other people thought for the first time...the fog made it almost impossible to see her imperfections. The haze made it hard to remember all the disappointment and the rejection.
Perfectionism finally seemed faint enough to breathe and she fell deeper in love with the rebel escape. 

,  It seemed that anxiety just wouldn't let up. Until one day I began reading a devotional that opened my eyes. In the book of Mark chapter 4, the Word contains a parable about a farmer that threw down seed. It tells how some of the seed was thrown down and it landed by the wayside and the birds came and ate it up. Then there was some that fell among rocks and sprang up only to get scorched by the sun. Then there were some that were sown among weeds that choked out the growing seed as it sprouted up, and nothing came of it. The weeds symbolized the cares of this world, the stresses of what we need and how we are going to get it. 
  This shook me! Never have I thought of myself as being a Christian that was tied up with the cares of this world until I looked at it in this context. I thought that I loved God and that I did my best to cast all my cares but I was wrong, and the paralyzing anxiety proved it. That's bible. My little plant of a life was being choked out by stress. I began to analyze my thoughts. What was I so anxious about? The bible says to be anxious for nothing...but I was sick to my stomach daily with anxiety. 
  The number one anxious thought for me was people. I literally wanted to puke at the thought of what people might think of me. My stomach was in knots and I was extremely nauseous (if you've ever experienced serious anxiety, you know what I mean) thinking about how I could have done things different, why wasn't I good enough? How could I get better? ….As I write this I see that my thoughts held so much fear. Fear of man. I was afraid of myself too, my brokenness and my faults. The dumb part is that my thoughts were taking no notice of God. I seemed to forget that God is my source of revelation and understanding. That He is the one to grow my wisdom and discernment. He is the only way to true growth. He is the only person I need to be concerned with getting better for and if he hasn't done the work in me, there's nothing I can do to change myself anyways...
  I would get anxious when I wanted to be in control of my own progress. I would get anxious because I didn't feel good enough for people. Well, I had it all wrong and I was being choked out. The worry that my life would not turn out good, that my flaws would cause me to make bad choices and that the cycles would continue, were weeds that needed to be uprooted immediately!   The Bible clearly tells us that when we give our lives to Christ, that all things are made new. We have a new life. A guided life, a life that has ordered steps to follow. The old life doesn't have any power and the dumb decisions we used to make are being enlightened and given wisdom to make better choices. So what is there to be afraid of? From the jump God says that he is making our life new. He also says in Jeramiah 29 that the plans HE has for us are good. So, no matter what people think my life should look like, I'm in His hands and His purpose for my life will be fulfilled.  Sitting here with this bible in my hands I can see that anxiety is not a promise. It's a lie, it's a deceiver, its a weed ….and the time has come for it to be pulled up from its roots. 
  I can see that if I want to keep growing I have to remember the truth. God is my creator, He is the one who creates good soil in my heart. He has planted me as a seed in a beautiful garden. He waters me everyday and He is the sun ( Son ) that causes me to get the nutrients that I need to grow. Without Him, I cannot grow, and with Him, I'll grow as fast as He allows me to. I shine for Him, I blossom for Him, I flourish at His word. And just as he clothes the flowers of the field, he will take care of my every need so I can be anxious for nothing. Now, anxiety might come to try me another day, but then I'll say....GET THEE BEHIND ME IN JESUS NAME!
  

​The best place to start if your going to tell a story is from the beginning. For me, that was the womb. I sat cozy in the belly of a beautiful 19 year old woman, but I had no idea that hell had already broke loose. Or did I...?  My heart was beating at 26 days and I already knew I loved my Mommy and Daddy more than anything. To my surprise , Daddy wasn't ready for a baby and Mommy was already nurturing a nasty habit that would be birthed as my twin right along side me in 9 months. Dad's solution, ask grandpa for abortion money and move on. Mom's solution was to care for her twins as much as she could.The only problem with that was that I was an only child and addiction was the first born...

As we move through these stories, we will dig deep to look at the root of each problem. Most issues are mental and emotional. There are noticeable personality defects in all of the people involved in my life, including myself . Imperfect human beings we are, but serious personality and emotional problems are not normal. Any personality that is not that of the one God gave us is demonic. Yes, demons are real and I will go into depth with that in a later post.  Right now, I want to callout the demon that is most apparent in my post Abortion's Survivor. This demon is called Fear. My mother had a fear of being alone so she got pregnant hoping for a life long somebody to keep her company. She also had a fear of pain which was the reason for her profuse drug use. My father had a fear of commitment.  This fear induced panic at even the thought of a dependent child. Because he was unable to stabilize his emotions, he ran away.  I believe fear of rejection entered my life while I was still in the womb because of the request for an abortion. Fear causes people to make irrational decisions but that does not have to be the end of the story. We can cast out that demon called Fear in Jesus name and begin to fill our mind with the truth. The TRUTH is that with Christ we are never alone . Deuteronomy 31:6 Says " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you." The TRUTH is that you and I are completely and unconditionally ACCEPTED and not rejected by Jesus Christ. Nothing can separate you from Him.....Nothing. So, as we flip a page, we take with us boldness and courage into the next chapter.... ​

​I know what your probably thinking......
​I'm writing to reveal my secret night time-bed time buddy Mr. Binky.....
NOT EXACTLY !!! Although that would be an interesting convo to say the least, I want to talk about the real life-binkys that we use to alleviate our pain as adults. No matter how you color it...a pacifier is a pacifier and there's no way around it. Embarrassing as it is, you might have one stuck in your mouth right now. 
  So, we all know about the obvious ones: drugs, alcohol and food, but what about the other things that aren't talked about. Maybe you bite your nails when you're nervous or lonely. For the ladies, maybe it's the romance novel used to quiet the cry of a life without a spouse. There's those that gamble trying to produce an emotional freedom by spending everything they own "freely". Many people sleep as an escape from reality when the going gets tough. I have even heard of people living a literal double life, one life in their dreams and one while awake  to ease the anxiety of not having total control of their real life. Should I dare say Facebook??? or Reality TV ??? Some people need a jolt in their life and will do anything to get it. If you can't start your own drama, why don't you watch someone else's. Not exactly helpful to a life already filled with tragedy and depression. Grown adults play video games to pass time, and for some playing games alone is easier than having face to face conversations with the people around them because of insecurity. Education helps hush the whispers of unworthiness and a work-a-holic's tasks are never finished in hopes of feeling important to someone. There are more of these unspoken binkys,  but for now this will get our brain's jogging. I am not trying to point out our flaws but I am simply attempting to cause our faces to turn toward Jesus for comfort. By looking at these false sympathizers we can better understand what makes comfort so unreachable. Our real soother is available 24/7, it's just a matter of calling on HIs Name even when we don't know what to ask for. Just say Jesus. I'm not promising all your problems will melt away but I can promise you this. Jesus satisfies. Millions of people will back me up in saying this so just try it...say Jesus when you want to run....say Jesus before you take that drink...say Jesus when you're alone...call out for Him an He will be there for you when no one else will. Then, when you see what I mean, don't stop calling His name and he will take you beyond your wildest dreams. Just do it ! Get crazy enough to try pacifying those aches with His name and I promise you won't ever be the same...call on Jesus name.

  Let me ask you....How do you deal with pain? Do you smoke, do you drink, or emotionally check out through video games? Are you an emotional stuffer or do you lash out at those around you?  If you have ever been through any kind of traumatic experience as a child, you know how difficult it is to handle extreme pain. You also know how challenging it is to deal with these emotions in a healthy way.  I want to share with you what God revealed to me in hope to give you some insight to my life and others like me.
   Now,  I am not exactly sure what age I had made this decision but I can remember choosing to make myself into another person in my mind. The pain that I felt on the inside was so unbearable, and I was desperate for relief. When I was 25 God had showed me in a vision what happened to me as a young child. I believe he showed me this to spark a reunion between my real self and the person I created to survive my life. This reunion would allow the real me to surface again so that I could truly experience life and be who God created me to be. I didn't have any surface reasons to be diagnosed with split personality disorder and I never had any "episodes", but I believe my story tells what really happens in peoples minds who suffer from trauma. Some stories can be more extreme than others, but here is mine.
   ​As I sat on my bed and closed my eyes I could see myself as a little girl. I was short, blonde hair down to my shoulders, blue eyes. As I sat there with my eyes closed and my body still, I could feel what she " or I " was feeling. It was odd at first, but I could distinctly feel her feelings and mine at the same time as if they were separate. I began to wonder how this was possible? How could I literally be looking at myself years younger? I still had my eyes closed and suddenly felt abandoned and alone, afraid that I would be left to fend for myself all over again. I could then see the younger me crying hysterically and I felt like I couldn't go on with life anymore. I realized that I was experiencing what the younger me was feeling. Those feelings of loneliness, fear, and exhaustion. Then, just moments after that, I felt outside of myself and I was angry. Just as though I was watching a movie, I could see myself yelling as I looked at the younger me crying like a baby. I felt absolutely disgusted at the sadness that she showed and I wanted her to just stop.....just stop crying....pull it together...but she wouldn't...
  So, I gave up on her. I told her that she was too much of a burden for me. I knew that we weren't dead yet and that someone was going to have to face our life eventually. It definitely wasn't going to be her. So that day I left that part of me behind. I remember separating myself from the pain that I felt. I separated myself from the person that felt the pain. I left that little girl right where she was, hoping she would die.
  I was determined to survive, with or without her. She was devastated, and I could feel it....but only for a moment. The new me quickly got with the program and began to live life the best way she knew how. She walked real tall, had a swift cutting tongue and didn't let anyone or anything get in her way. She was going to make it...She could do anything she set her mind to...anything.....
but God showed up.....and He brought the little girl with Him.....