It seemed that anxiety just wouldn't let up. Until one day I began reading a devotional that opened my eyes. In the book of Mark chapter 4, the Word contains a parable about a farmer that threw down seed. It tells how some of the seed was thrown down and it landed by the wayside and the birds came and ate it up. Then there was some that fell among rocks and sprang up only to get scorched by the sun. Then there were some that were sown among weeds that choked out the growing seed as it sprouted up, and nothing came of it. The weeds symbolized the cares of this world, the stresses of what we need and how we are going to get it.
This shook me! Never have I thought of myself as being a Christian that was tied up with the cares of this world until I looked at it in this context. I thought that I loved God and that I did my best to cast all my cares but I was wrong, and the paralyzing anxiety proved it. That's bible. My little plant of a life was being choked out by stress. I began to analyze my thoughts. What was I so anxious about? The bible says to be anxious for nothing...but I was sick to my stomach daily with anxiety.
The number one anxious thought for me was people. I literally wanted to puke at the thought of what people might think of me. My stomach was in knots and I was extremely nauseous (if you've ever experienced serious anxiety, you know what I mean) thinking about how I could have done things different, why wasn't I good enough? How could I get better? ….As I write this I see that my thoughts held so much fear. Fear of man. I was afraid of myself too, my brokenness and my faults. The dumb part is that my thoughts were taking no notice of God. I seemed to forget that God is my source of revelation and understanding. That He is the one to grow my wisdom and discernment. He is the only way to true growth. He is the only person I need to be concerned with getting better for and if he hasn't done the work in me, there's nothing I can do to change myself anyways...
I would get anxious when I wanted to be in control of my own progress. I would get anxious because I didn't feel good enough for people. Well I had it all wrong and I was being choked out. The worry that my life will not turn out good, that my flaws would cause me to make bad choices and that the cycles will continue, were weeds that needed to be uprooted immediately! The Bible clearly tells us that when we give our lives to Christ, that all things are made new. We have a new life. A guided life, a life that has ordered steps to follow. The old life doesn't have any power and the dumb decisions we used to make are being enlightened and given wisdom to make better choices. So what is there to be afraid of? From the jump God says that he is making our life new. He also says in Jeramiah 29 that the plans HE has for us are good. So, no matter what people think my life should look like, I'm in His hands and His purpose for my life will be fulfilled. Sitting here with this bible in my hands I can see that anxiety is not a promise. It's a lie, it's a deceiver, its a weed ….and the time has come for it to be pulled up from its roots.
I can see that if I want to keep growing I have to remember the truth. God is my creator, He is the one who creates good soil in my heart. He has planted me as a seed in a beautiful garden. He waters me everyday and He is the sun ( Son ) that causes me to get the nutrients that I need to grow. Without Him, I cannot grow, and with Him, I'll grow as fast as He allows me to. I shine for Him, I blossom for Him, I flourish at His word. And just as he clothes the flowers of the field, he will take care of my every need so I can be anxious for nothing. Now, anxiety might come to try me another day, but then I'll say....GET THEE BEHIND ME IN JESUS NAME!