She figured that no one cared anyway...
What did it matter ? She tried so hard to win their approval. To feel worthy of some quality time, or some affection. But it wasn't ever enough. Frankly, all work and no play made Andi a dull girl...so she found a way to feel good...a way to escape the pain of rejection, a way to feel like her choices had some gratifying results...she took control... and rebelled.
As a kid her favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. She would watch it over a billion times, wishing she was the one exploring the seas outside of the set limits. Her reality stayed within the boundaries of her parents orders. She sat down like a good little girl, and used her manners. She always excelled in school, secretly feeding off of the gratifying moments of acceptance by her teachers. She patiently waited for the A+ report cards to come in and to see her parents welcome her good grades. The truth is that she did what kids do, and made kid mistakes but, inside her own conscience, she felt like she gave her best. She worked hard to put on a good performance. Do good, be good, act good and then you receive good. At least that's what her mind told her. The way that you get accepted by people is to be the best you....
You see, there was a problem though...she was a human being...she made mistakes...How could she get approved of if she was always making mistakes? Try harder ? So, she did. Tried to be better, to talk quieter, to be happier, to be more grateful. Pushed for approval harder than ever!
As an adopted child, there was an invisible barrier between her and her new Mom. The lady had her own kids and naturally a deeper bond with them. As a child you don't understand the depth of a bond between a mother and a child. All you know is that you want a certain type of bond with a mom. When you don't have it...it does something on the inside. It eats at you, constantly reminding you that you are not theirs. That you don't fit in. It makes you think that there's got to be something that you can do to fix what doesn't seem right...So, this little girl went searching. Searching for an answer that didn't exist. You cannot magically create a mother-daughter bond. You just can't....it has to happen naturally. Being a human being means that we have the intense ability to feel a connection with people. When you don't feel it, you are very much aware of the difference. But she was determined to change it so she continued to perform well. The problem with being adopted is that you have rejection issues that cause your mind to perceive things in a very painful way. It's like someone gives you a pair of glasses that makes you see everything as rejection. So, no matter what you do, you always feel not good enough, not accepted and rejected. Perfectionism sets in and it's never satisfied so you, do more and more to get accepted, only to receive a classic "good job". This is so average and you've tried so hard that you once again feel not good enough. The cycle continues....
Andi lived her life this way ….round and round this merry-go-round of insanity. At 13, after her adopted father passed away, she began to wonder if it was all worth it. Her father had been sexually abusing her for 2 years and he was dead. She felt alone. She harbored a shameful secret that not even her best friend knew. The family was taking their father's death hard, and even the small bond that she once had with her adopted-mom seemed non-existent. Proving to be a "good kid" wasn't resulting in smiles anymore and so she gave up. She gave into the desire for acceptance. She had heard plenty about the kids that were smoking weed and decided that she'd try it on her own...she decided that she would make her first "big" decision on her own. She searched out the kid that she knew would be able to supply, and she asked for her own personal "try out" sample kit. At 5' o clock the next morning, she sat alone in the backyard with a pipe and a lighter in her hand.
Rebellion welcomed her with open arms and she escaped the thoughts of caring about what other people thought for the first time...the fog made it almost impossible to see her imperfections. The haze made it hard to remember all the disappointment and the rejection.
Perfectionism finally seemed faint enough to breathe and she fell deeper in love with the rebel escape.