Let me ask you....How do you deal with pain? Do you smoke, do you drink, or emotionally check out through video games? Are you an emotional stuffer or do you lash out at those around you? If you have ever been through any kind of traumatic experience as a child, you know how difficult it is to handle extreme pain. You also know how challenging it is to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. I want to share with you what God revealed to me in hope to give you some insight to my life and others like me.
Now, I am not exactly sure what age I had made this decision but I can remember choosing to make myself into another person in my mind. The pain that I felt on the inside was so unbearable, and I was desperate for relief. When I was 25 God had showed me in a vision what happened to me as a young child. I believe he showed me this to spark a reunion between my real self and the person I created to survive my life. This reunion would allow the real me to surface again so that I could truly experience life and be who God created me to be. I didn't have any surface reasons to be diagnosed with split personality disorder and I never had any "episodes", but I believe my story tells what really happens in peoples minds who suffer from trauma. Some stories can be more extreme than others, but here is mine.
As I sat on my bed and closed my eyes I could see myself as a little girl. I was short, blonde hair down to my shoulders, blue eyes. As I sat there with my eyes closed and my body still, I could feel what she " or I " was feeling. It was odd at first, but I could distinctly feel her feelings and mine at the same time as if they were separate. I began to wonder how this was possible? How could I literally be looking at myself years younger? I still had my eyes closed and suddenly felt abandoned and alone, afraid that I would be left to fend for myself all over again. I could then see the younger me crying hysterically and I felt like I couldn't go on with life anymore. I realized that I was experiencing what the younger me was feeling. Those feelings of loneliness, fear, and exhaustion. Then, just moments after that, I felt outside of myself and I was angry. Just as though I was watching a movie, I could see myself yelling as I looked at the younger me crying like a baby. I felt absolutely disgusted at the sadness that she showed and I wanted her to just stop.....just stop crying....pull it together...but she wouldn't...
So, I gave up on her. I told her that she was too much of a burden for me. I knew that we weren't dead yet and that someone was going to have to face our life eventually. It definitely wasn't going to be her. So that day I left that part of me behind. I remember separating myself from the pain that I felt. I separated myself from the person that felt the pain. I left that little girl right where she was, hoping she would die.
I was determined to survive, with or without her. She was devastated, and I could feel it....but only for a moment. The new me quickly got with the program and began to live life the best way she knew how. She walked real tall, had a swift cutting tongue and didn't let anyone or anything get in her way. She was going to make it...She could do anything she set her mind to...anything.....
but God showed up.....and He brought the little girl with Him.....
Andrea is a follower of Christ, determined to get unstuck from the previous chapters of her life. She takes brief glimpses at the past to retrieve life lessons. She writes to inspire others to join her in life's journey of moving forward.